AUTUMN SALE - DAY TWO - TWO SENTENCE REVIEW

It's Day Two of the Autumn Sale and I have been busy all morning, so let's cut right to it!

ARMA2: Combined Operations
You know you're just buying it for DayZ, you could get some sweet tactical shooting from Operation Flashpoint. Also remember to stock up on bandages and axes.
9 awesome mods out of 10
Price: $14.99

Max Payne 3
Max Payne 3 is...wait,  I get it now: Max Pain, as if he's in a lot of pain and anguish. Wow, it took me over a decade to get that, so yeah, this game is probably pretty good.
8 rehab tokens out of 10.
Price: $22.49

Bruce Willis looks so different with a beard...

Awesomenauts
Awesomenauts is pretty awesome...naut...but really, it is. It's a great co-op experience with a strong focus on being colourful, fun and well, awesome.
9 exploding robots out of 10.
Price: $3.39 (3 pack for less than $7)

Haha...more like aweso- Oh, I already made that joke.

Portal 2
Stephen Merchant is a single eyed overly self-aware robot with anxiety. No, you buy it now and I'll wait!
9 SPAAAAAAAAACE out of 10
Price: $4.99 (2 pack for less than $9)

Yeah, I am one of the best characters ever written in video games. Yep.

Sleeping Dogs
This game does not actually contain any sleeping dogs, just Emma Stone pretending to be Asian and badass. She only pulls off one of them and the game is GTA: Hong Kong but without any lame cousin calling.
8 lying dogs out of 10
Price: $24.99

Wait...this is...dammit!

Prototype 2
Prototype 2 tells the story of a game that isn't yet finished. The game was originally going to be called Beta 2, but the title was already copywritten back in 1977, times be tough for Activision.
7 anti-hero clones out of 10
Price: $34.99

...get your prostate checked annually.

NOW THESE ARE THE DEALS I WOULD PURCHASE NOW AND NOT BE WORRIED ABOUT BURNING THROUGH YOUR WALLET.

Company of Heroes
The game is about a corporation going broke and you must go into business making heroes. It doesn't go too well so you start a war with different factions.
9 burning buildings out of 10
Price: $2.49 (Gold Version less than $8)

Why did we put so much money in making heroes?!

Of Orcs and Men
Are you an Orc or a Men? Well, you don't have to decide with this sweet RPG title about Orcs and the humans who are around them sometimes.
9 burnt Orc faces out of 10.
Price: $19.99

Yeah, I called you a pussy. So what?

Garrys Mod
This is a game about a man who isn't sure about what British music to commit to in his small town. He decides to become a Mod, but is this the right choice for Garry, find out in GARRY'S MOD?!
9 sweet haircuts out of 10
Price: $2.49

Worst PEZ exhibit ever...

AMNESIA: The Dark Descent
Don't...just don't even ask me to play that ga- What was that? DUDE, THE FUCK WAS THAT NOISE?!
9 dark rooms out of 10
Price: $4.99

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK EVERYTHING

Sim City 4: Deluxe Edition
Create cities, destroy cities, create cities, raise taxes, destroy citizens lives with industrial zones. Yes, Sim City 4 is awesome and is not as boring as I just made it sound.
9 UFOs destroying cities out of 10
Price: $5.99

Everything is Fucked.

Tower Wars
TOWER WARS?! I thought it said Tower Mars. I wanna build towers on Mars...Marscrapers.
8 Broken Towers out of 10
Price: $4.99

Wish it was set on Mars...*pout*

This post will be updated in an hour's time :)

Steam Summer Sale Day 06 - Two Sentence Review Guide

I finally made it to Turkey this evening and found a lovely bit of internet that I can use to my heart's content. Speaking of content, more games are on sale and today's haul is pretty awesome.

Okay...maybe not that awesome.

Front Page Deals:
War Game European Escalation: Finally a game based around the high prices of escalator production companies and the war they waged on high prices. European Escalation is a unique strategy game with a large arsenal of missions and weaponry, I doubt you'll get bored.
9 tiger tanks out of 10
Price: $20.00

I cannot believe they deleted this scene from Die Hard 2

Steam Summer Sale - Day 05 Two Sentence Review Guide

So I checked into the hotel next to the airport near Helsinki and have found the Wi-Fi to be quite poor, so today's post will be a lot shorter and possibly less funny. Overnight there were some great deals on Fallout New Vegas but it's gone a little bit higher to $23.99. As stated on every post, the prices may vary due to regional difference, but my thoughts about them are all the same.

The thought being: Ben Croshaw is better at being humourously mean than I am

Front Page Deals:
Metro 2033: A game that deals with the very realistic fear of public transportation in a crowded future? This post-apocalyptic world sim is quite atmospheric, but I'd wait until the sequel, Metro Last Light to be released, or just pay a little more and get S.T.A.L.K.E.R.
7 Giger Counters out of 10.
Price: $2.49

Come for the radioactive fallout, stay for the mutation.

Assassin's Creed: Revelations or the other AssCreed games: Go here, kill this, mention historical reference and then remember you're in a simulator. This historical learn'em up is quite popular and it's easy to see why; people like the word ass.
7 popular franchises out of 10
Price: $13.59

Ancient Heimlich maneuver, GO!

Indie Bundle V: Whether you're traversing your music in Audiosurf, traversing the galaxy of Gemini Rue, destroying the earth in Greed Corp, the narratively sound Tiny Bang Story and the mispronunciation of Ys, you're bound to have a great time with this bundle. Audiosurf is the clear winner here, just for replayability, but the rest are equally fun and will give you plenty of time when you're not playing Audiosurf.
5 out of 5 games in an indie bundle
Price: $9.99

This is how Rush used to compose music

Age of Empires III: An amazing series really hit a high point when they added the incremental value of the previous title. With a great interface, amazing graphics and the same old gameplay, Age of Empires III will surely delight people who liked Age of Empires II.
3 out of 3 Age of Empires
Price: $9.24

Knight of the Old Republic: Sadly, this game doesn't have a Han Solo dancing, but it does have a good storyline, fun gameplay and an enjoyable experience. Knights of the Old Republic may have been the last good Star Wars game and hopefully it doesn't stay that way.
9 "I hate you"'s out of 10
Price: $2.24

Men of War and Men of War:Vietnam : I think this game is like, completely sexist, because there were like women in war as well and it's a shame they don't get shown here, like seriously. Men of War is a great strategy game, if you're a guy or whatever, but women might want to try somewhere else.
8 Feminist pigs out of 10
Price: $7.49

Dear Esther:
Dear Steam,
This was originally a Half Life 2 mod, then Indie Fund game it some money and now it's an indie hit.
Signed,
A pretty good storyline with some mixed gameplay.
9 bills out of 10 letters.
Price: $1.99

Iron Front: Liberation 1944: Even though the war lasted an extra year, Iron Front wanted to just tell you about the people who were liberated a year before. Between some interesting strategic gameplay and your usual war story, is a lot of fun to be had here, even without a metal codpiece.
8 iron wool's out of 10
Price: $19.99

RAGE: You might.
6 failed projects out of 10
Price: $16.99

Packs
Activision Hits Pack: A blur between the gun and the prototype, some packs rise above the call of duty and the singularity of the entire collection transforms into something amazing. TimeShift and Vampire Bloodlines are good too.
3 good games out of 10
Price: $49.99

Kalypso Pack: Tropico 3 and 5 are the real reason why  you know about Kalypso Games, but did you know they have other games? I haven't played them but they're bound to be pretty good, right?
8 clueless reviewers out of 10
Price: $49.99

Bethesda Pack: New Vegas and Skyrim, that's all you need to know. I mean, there are a few awesome DLC packs and Brink, but you know, New Vegas and Skyrim.
9 DLC packs out of 10
Price $49.99

Flash Sales:
F.E.A.R series: Somewhere between the jump scares and the sci-fi fan fiction, F.E.A.R was a good game. Sadly, two sequels, good graphics and a lot of mediocrity haven't saved it either; go play Amnesia.
5 "Did you see that's" out of 10
Price: $4.99

Cave Story: An unending series of caves, a cute story and some amazing graphics save this indie title from being just your run of the mill platformer. Cave Story is an underrated jewel in the indie crown and at this price, it's hard to pass up.
10 awwww's out of 10.
Price: $2.49

Fable III: If you love undelivered promises and mucking around in a medieval village, then Fable III is up your alley. Between poor game design choices and a stunning voice cast, Fable is like a sultry, gorgeous sounding phone sex worker who doesn't know how to have phone sex.
5 Peter Molyneux brains out of 10
Price: $9.99

Oh and the Community Choice was Red Faction Guerrilla or Mars Terrorist Simulator 3000. The game is so much explosive fun, that if you don't already own the THQ Collection, this is a must buy.

I will probably add pictures later because I have to catch a flight in less than 12 hours, but thank you, every single one, who read this. Share it around, I hope you can have a laugh and enjoy some games.

Follow me on Twitter :)

Steam Summer Sale Day 04 - Two Sentence Review Guide

Well, it looks like the new day has dawned and that the sun still shines gracefully on the houses of the world's gamers. Of course, they'll probably never experience that sun, unless they have a summer job and have to venture out into the world and feel the sweat of a good day's work on their brow. I salute you brave ladies and gents who are working for your weekend, while I spend the last few days of my holiday organising a trip between Tampere and Helsinki. Now, let's see what Steam hath in store for us. Again, I think it goes without saying, prices may vary due to regional difference.

Regional Difference, like how Finland depicts their historical wars.

Now we have the front page deals starting with some great 2012 releases at amazing prices.
Trine 2: Try and try again, Trine has shown to be a truly interesting game that you can just revel in it's background and level design. The game's elemental gameplay creates a wide array of useful puzzles that outshine the usual platforming adventure and make for a truly magical experience.
9 fiery puzzles out of 10
Price: $3.24 (Collector's Edition: $4.99)

Hot damn! Dat art!

The Waking Dead: Based on the incredibly frustrating TV series and amazing graphic novel, The Walking Dead is more story zombie-based rather than your usual "aim for the head" malarky. The game sets an even pace of great action sequences, good storytelling and point and click gameplay from Telltale; must buy for fans.
9 lurching creatures out of 10.
Price: $14.99

Zombies in a video game? What an absurd notion!

Cities XL 2012: Based on the series Cities XXL, this game has been sized down from the super-computer port, which was clearly the better of the two. Cities XL is like Sim City, if you got bored of playing Sim City 3000 and then went on to actually play a good city building game.
9 "Why did you put that there's" out of 10
Price: $9.99

Scenery Porn to your heart's content...all made by you!

Indie Bundle IV: With every new day, a new indie bundle and this one does not disappoint at all with each game. The windswept visuals and gameplay of Valley without Wind, the careful planning and smashing gameplay of Atom Zombie Smasher, the sidescroller mattering of The Blocks That Matter, the sanctimonious  and strategy of Sanctum and finally, the magically musical of Superbrothers: Sword and Sorcery EP.
9 carefully placed blocks out of 10
Price $9.99

Choosing who lives and who dies...to a sweet surfer soundtrack.

Mount and Blade Collection: If you love mounting things or sharp objects, this is the collection for you. Between taking the swords and experience of your fallen enemies or catching the next ride to the kingdom, Mount and Blade is ready for your purchasing.
9 mounted horses with blades for hooves out of 10
Price: $8.74

This is the last time I do a flash mob!

Serious Sam 3: There is no more serious fun to be had than with Serious Sam 3. Whilst some of the more previous incarnations are more ridiculous, Sam's exploits here are always tongue-in-cheek and ready to mock the current generation of gaming; no one is safe, not even you.
9 Serious Faces out of 10
Price: $9.99

Gigantic pink scorpion: Not included in legit version.

Darkness II: Jackie Estacado is back for dark revenge in this dark sequel to the dark game based on the dark comic book series by dark comic publishers Top Cow. The game has some truly gory, fun and a great tragic narrative that will keep you entertained, probably just as much as the original.
9 Simple Plan CD's out of 10
Price: $12.49

Guys...it's getting crowded in here.

Hitman: Blood Money: In the popular series based around a balding man who's had too much fun in his life named Agent 47, you take out people in either really cool or boring ways. Setting traps in people's soups or simply walking into a market and snapping someone's neck, it's your choice on how you want people to die, regardless of the overarching storyline.
9 piano wires out of 10.
Price: $2.49

Who was I meant to kill again?

Saints Row the Third:  Do everything. Have Fun.
10 naked women firing shark guns into rooftop crowds out of 10.
Price: $7.49

Careful, they're furries!

Now for the usual flash sales that will probably be a lot more expensive by the time this goes live
Magicka: One of the most fun "Diablo-like" games that won't take a lot of your money and leave you sad and poorer, like Diablo 3. Magicka has a wicked sense of humour and some expansion packs I highly suggest you get, especially the one about Vietnam.
10 screaming elves out of 10
Price: $2.49 (Collectors Edition: $7.50)

Yeah, it's just that awesome.

QUBE: If you're looking for a puzzle game with some great ambient music and a cool way to play, you could buy Portal or Portal 2 and turn the voices and subtitles off, but QUBE is great too. QUBE is a genuinely amazing game and one of the great games funded by Indie Fund and deservedly so.
9 weird hands moving balls out of 10.
Price: $3.49

Seriously, bro, stop touching my balls with your weird hands.

Microsoft Flight Collection: Buy expansion packs, fly around. The original game is free-to-play but the expansion packs including flying over Hawaii and Alaska in a P-40...whatever that is.
8 planes, not crashing out of 10
Price: $15.63

Holy fuck, that reminds me! I have to catch two planes this week.

Killing Floor: If you're think Left 4 Dead sounds too American and isn't scary enough, Killing Floor is here to save the day. With a truly industrial and gory feel to it, Killing Floor is the co-op horror game for fans of Clive Barker or Slipknot.
9 WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT out of 10
Price: $4.49 (Collection: $6.24)

WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK?!

And now for some expensive Packs that you're more than likely get and only play a few games from.
The THQ Pack: Holy crap, there is a lot here. Everything from the confronting S.T.A.L.K.E.R, the strong strategy of Company of Heroes and the unfathomable fun of Saints Row the Third; go for it!
9 really good games out of 10.
Price: $49.99

Why not Zoidberg?

The Ubisoft Collection: Between some indie classics and some amazing new IP's, Ubisoft has proven time and time again that creativity is their strong suit. With the insanely fun, From Dust, the incredibly popular Assassin's Creed, the relatively stupid but awesome Driver San Francisco, there is so much to enjoy here for the price of just one game.
9 French guys out of 10.
Price: $49.99

See that lava? You control....all of that!

The Squenix Collection: Despite the fact you can play Final Fantasy III on your Android for just under $20, Square Enix still has some awesome games to try out on Steam that aren't RPG's. Quantum Conundrum, Just Cause 2 and Thief are all here and worth the price of admission, not to mention the Tomb Raider titles, because they're not worth mentioning.
9 exploding planes crashing into helicopters out of 10
Price: $49.99

Just Cause 2: This all the time, plus grappling hook. It's like being Batman on a tropical island.

So I hope you're all enjoying the sale, I actually spent all my money on this current trip and will need a real job when I get back, but hey there will always been Steam Summer Sales.




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Steam Summer Sale Day 03 - Two Sentence Review Guide

So, I spent the last 48 hours in an amazing little cabin on the outskirts of Rauma in Finland. No internet, no running water and a little electricity, so I made the best of my time, making fires, drinking cider and being a man. I returned to civilisation to find that not much had changed. Clocks still went clockwise and Steam was still having a large sale on cheap games, so let's get into the front page of Day 3. Standard review style, two sentences, humourous caption with image maybe something snarky. Also remember, I'm in a different region, so prices may vary slightly.

Also I come from a different time.

First to start with the community chosen sale item, LA Noire. 1950's Los Angeles where you play as a cop picking up clues left by killers and rapists. Don't bother driving in the city, just enjoy the stunning graphics and having Phelps freak out any time you doubt someone.
9 running perps out of 10
Price: $7.50

Who took the last fucking teabag of Earl Grey?

Now with the Front Page titles.
Borderlands GOTY. This FPS RPG is one of those rare games that you'll find putting in several hours into despite the simple premise. Traverse the wasteland, gain XP, get psyched for the sequel and if you've got some friends, have the time of your life.
10 screaming psychos out of 10.
Price: $7.50

You will never get tired of headshotting these things...ever

Steam Summer Sale Day 01: The Two Sentence Review Guide

The heart races and the mind boggles at every single time the front page loads and you see the word "Sale" on the Steam front page. For those who are unaware what this means, Steam often have Summer or holiday sales which usually cause, even the common gamer, to go into fits of excitement, not dissimilar to an inebriated party girl shouting "This is my song!"

Woo Gabe Newell!

So I thought I would do two sentence review for everything on the front page. Sadly, I may be away this weekend and thought I might as well do as much as I can. I will simply be writing what I think, followed by a score, which will be consistently inconsistent.

About as much sense as this...

Terraria: Minecraft, this is not. Resource building, side-scrolling fun based around a charming an old school art style.
9 exceedingly outrageous stories out of 10.
Price: $2.50

My bed may not be a racecar, but my underground lair is pretty sweet.

Steam Greenlight is great if you're not a dick about it.

I realise more and more as I get older that you really do need to pick your battles. For example, if I picked any battle in the history of the world, I would pick the Hundred Years' War, because a hundred years seems like a good round number and I could easily count it down. But mainly it's the battles that I can't be a dick about, are the ones that will often be better for me.

Also I get to meet this Joan babe or whatever.

Steam recently announced Steam Greenlight, not Project Greenlight, which is that weird Matt Damon/Ben Affleck reality show where they found screenplays and made movies for just a million dollars. No, Greenlight will be a community based system where game developers can upload their games and have people vote on them to get them on Steam. This sounds like a great system, based around a democratic notion that the best titles will get in, however, not everyone is happy with the system.

Pictured: Not Everyone

I read the multiple news stories as they came up, just over twelve hours ago and I was pleasantly surprised at the reaction, until I posted it over on the IGDA Sydney Facebook page. The IGDA people are some of the nicest and coolest people you'll ever meet, but they are cautious and weary over almost every news story they hear. And you know what, that's a good thing. It's better to be safe than sorry, but it's also better to be sorry than a dick about things.

Then again, you can make a career out of being a dick.

I think from a good open-minded outset, that they were thinking, logically and said that hopefully "it doesn't turn into Xbox Live Indie Games" or that Steam really doesn't put in a filter such as "x votes and automatically it gets on Steam." But I trust Steam, I really do and Steam Greenlight will have issues when it starts and people will get flustered and people will rage and hell, at worst, some dickish people might leave Steam, but I think what they're doing is a great way for indie developers to really make a mark and get on Steam. Of course, let's think about it from a discursive and logical point of view.

What the fuck did I just say?!

I don't think financially or even from a coherent stand point that any indie developer, outside those who have had large mainstream success, would have enough money to pay people to force a vote to get their game on Steam and even then, they would be found out and reported immediately. Also you have to remember that the players and community of Steam are going to be voting for this game. These are the same people who have kept both Modern Warfare 3 and Endless Space in the Top Sellers at the same time. This is a truly balanced market from my point of view, but hey, don't be a dick about it.

We can totes have a reasoned discussion about it and glorified Booth Babes

Steam also needs to factor into making sure the games aren't all just labelled as "Indie" or "Greenlit" as that it makes the process, much like XBLIG, a bias to other shoppers. I have a whole other beef with the word Indie, in different mediums, but that's for later. I'd rather see a game on the front page or with literally the other hundreds of games, rather than put off into a secondary section, like a "Sell Quick" item at your local petrol station or someone to make a quick profit on a house.

"Are you selling it because of the smell? It's the smell, isn't it?"

Also, for games that don't get through the Greenlight stage, there should be a wayward games foundation where games can go though a workshopping process, or given secondary options to make sure the game gets the care it deserves and needs before being smashed like so many dreams. These games may not be "good enough for Steam" but they probably do need to be worked on and then again, they may just need to find a specific audience.

Pictured: All high school dreams.

Steam has a long road ahead of them and I'm sure they've got a lot of trial and error but seriously, if people let them do their thing and not be a dick about it, things should go well. While I played Captain Hindsight in the last post about the Above Average Network, I realise something like this is in it's early stages, and is slated for an August release, but I can say right now, I expect a lot of people complaining in the early months, not dissimilar to the launch of Steam but with worse spelling and stupider comments. But then again, I don't want to be a dick about it. 

Yay, belated joke!

What is Modern Warfare?

The original post was on QJ.net on the 22nd of December, 2011. The article was originally meant to about a review of the game Goldeneye Reloaded but went into something else entirely. It is available to read here.


The year has been full of both rich and poor player experiences for those who are fans of looking down a scope to take out an enemy. This has been, as Mr. Ben Croshaw put it, Shooter Season 2011 and that with hardly a good game, that doesn't have you playing as a gruff soldier or a random dude in a first person perspective for a few hours, been available for a good quarter of the year, it's been a good time to catch up on indie games...or just beg game companies for a demo copy of this or that game.


I eventually gave in and bought Battlefield 3 and enjoyed the experience, even tried out the single player portion of the title. But as I had been a fan of Bad Company 2, I felt justified in my purchase. It was also the first non-Steam or PSN title I had bought in some time that was not being bought for the initial or single player campaign. Yes, I went out and bought a game just for the multiplayer and I felt dirty.

But good looking and dirty...