Friday, 13 July 2012

Steam Summer Sale Day 01: The Two Sentence Review Guide

The heart races and the mind boggles at every single time the front page loads and you see the word "Sale" on the Steam front page. For those who are unaware what this means, Steam often have Summer or holiday sales which usually cause, even the common gamer, to go into fits of excitement, not dissimilar to an inebriated party girl shouting "This is my song!"

Woo Gabe Newell!

So I thought I would do two sentence review for everything on the front page. Sadly, I may be away this weekend and thought I might as well do as much as I can. I will simply be writing what I think, followed by a score, which will be consistently inconsistent.
About as much sense as this...

Terraria: Minecraft, this is not. Resource building, side-scrolling fun based around a charming an old school art style.
9 exceedingly outrageous stories out of 10.
Price: $2.50

My bed may not be a racecar, but my underground lair is pretty sweet.

Total War: Shogun 2: Ever wanted to rule a nation from the comfortable vantage point of, anywhere on the battle field? Total War expansion Shogun 2 provides the necessary micromanagement and historical battles that we've all come to love from the highly historical Total War franchise. 
9 rapes and pillages out of 10.
Price: $10

We claim this land for the Dude's who love standing around. THE LOITERERS WILL RULE THIS WORLD!

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3: Everything is bad. Go sort it out.
3 headshots out of 10 Modern Warfares.
Price: $30, you could donate to charity.

Nope, nothing bad is gonna happen here...

Crusader Kings II: Paradox Interactive is what Valve would be if they were a tiny indie company who made amazing games. Crusader Kings II has a Game of Thrones mod where you fight out who owns the land, I don't need to say any more.
9 Modded medieval acts of incest out of 10.
Price: $10

It's like history and begating but you know, interesting.

Portal II: This is a triumph. It's five dollars, you have no good excuses.
Price: $5

This is Stephen Merchant in a small ball. He is the only other reason why you need to play this game.

Legend of Grimrock: You hate spiders, you'd hate them gigantic, but you love destorying them? This is a first person, puzzle, dungeon crawler and is intensely awesome full of "NOPE!" moments. 
Price: $5.60


Ridge Racer Unbounded. RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDGE RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACER is a really old meme and I haven't really heard anything bad about it. I think there are better racers out there, but if you're a fan of the series, you could do worse.
7 outdated memes out of 10.
Price: $25, you could probably go spend on Split/Second.

Okay, that does look really sweet.

Might and Magic Heroes VI: If you enjoy fighting in a fantasy world and feeling mighty doing it, you will probably enjoy this title. I honestly have no idea what this series is about and a quick Wikipedia search comes up with a bit, but not enough to say Go get it!
8 confused wizards out of 10
Price: $14.99

That looks super badass.

Quick sales, which will probably be gone by the time anyone really reads this.
Rayman Origins: You will never see a happier and fun game in your entire life. Rayman Origins is the video game equivalent of The Muppets movie from last year.
9 Lalalalalalala's out of 10
Price: $15

It is literally, hard to say anything bad about this game.

Space Chem: This game is for the people who think Dwarf Fortress is just too easy. Space Chem is a game I can only imagine how Chemists get their kicks when they're not making meth or doing real work.
8...ummm, dude what the fuck do I do here, out of 10.
Price: $2.50

Seriously, what the fuck is happening here?

Deus Ex Human Revolution: It's the future, it's a slightly bit better than Deus Ex and a lot to do. It's a game filled with enough to keep you coming back and even though the shooting is pretty generic, the story and characters are enough.
9 cool tinted sunglasses out of 10.
Price: $7.50

I already told you, I'm not Batman!

Mafia II: There are Playboy covers to collect. The gameplay is better than the original and a lot of American early 20th Century fun to be had too.
8 women you will never touch out of 10.
Price: $7.50

ARMA II: Combined Operations. You know that Day-Z you keep hearing about? Pay $20 and enjoy yourself, now!
Price: $20

I'm sorry, Bob. Ed sends his regards

Packs, which completionists and people who just joined Steam will get.
Valve Complete: If you have not played more than three games on here, you may not be a gamer or have a serious trauma to the forehead. Almost every game is a winner here and I can't really argue with the price, because it's just a number and it doesn't speak.
10 "I'm Gabe Newell" out of 10.
Price: $44.99

id Super Pack: Do you remember the 90's? id Software were pretty good, then they weren't, but here you can still play their games.
7 "...and then he was a zombie" out of 10

Star Wars Collection: I know the recent Star Wars games, movies and TV series aren't that good, but I promise they used to be really good. Almost worth it just for the Jedi Knight and Old Republic games.
Price: $44.99

...this game isn't included. It is from the 90's. How cool does it look?

PopCap Collection: PopCap is a bit like that fun and slightly naive friend you know. He or she is really funny but sometimes might not always be the smartest tool in the shed, but they remind you games are meant to be fun and not a second job.
9 Fun's out of 10
Price: $49.99

Worth every dollar.

And so that's what I think of the current front page I see on Steam. The prices and games might be different from you from where you are. For example, there is one game I can't see because it's "Not Available in [my] region", I guess Finland really doesn't like one particular game. Still, I hope this friendly guide helps you. New post will probably will be up in about 7-12 hours.

...because I have better things to do.

I think it's a great idea they have sales that you can vote for on the side of the page, I know I will be voting for just because I think it's a game everyone should play from last year. I won't tell you which one it is, but I'll give you a hint: It's the medieval one where Batman shoots a bunch dudes with a shark gun.
I regret nothing!

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